8 months in...

My blogging duties have obviously fallen by the wayside. I haven't posted anything substantial since April, and I guess some will say I never have.

To the same sex marriage detractors who say its not really marriage if its two men let me say this, you know not what you speak about. 8 months into my separation I am just getting over the turmoil in my life. Losing a spouse is awful to put it mildly. It is said it takes 6 months to get over a death, well this is harder. That part of my life is dead but I see his zombie almost daily. A constant reminder, like salt in a wound.

The worst aspect is I have come to a realization that I no longer have an identity. After years who of conceding little bits of myself to placate another I find myself only with my man bits intact, nothing of an individuality left. Where is that sk8er boi gone? Where is my snowboard?

Where has the fun in my life gone? Once upon a time I couldn't choose between the daily options. Now I find myself always at home. A tired man getting older and now with gray hairs.

Half of the person I was for the last 7 years is gone and the other half is unable to stand on its own. No longer twenty something, I'm nearing the midway of my 30's. The biggest shock was accepting I wasn't that young guy with everyone's eyes fixed on me. Now I'm just background noise. When did that happen?

Being from out of the province, and meeting my future ex husband upon arrival, the only friends I had were friends of his. Did I mention his intense jealousy and my inability to even speak with a stranger? I shouldn't blame him, It's my fault for placating. No one to blame but myself. So not only am I husbandless, I find myself here nearly completely alone except for a few friends with extremely busy lives. All of them couples.

Who am I? How do I go up from here? How do I reclaim me and carve out a new separate future?

I'm sure I'll figure it out but I really hate this shit.

But I do know one thing, when I am back, no man will ever dismantle me piece by piece again.